Friday, March 03, 2006

In Case You Miss the Oscars...

This is my last post on the brainless Oscar event, an event this Sunday that will most assuredly thrill about 32 people here in good 'ole Oshkosh, Wisconsin (pop. 61,000). Fortunately, if you miss the event, allow me to let you in on what will happen.

Host: Jon Stewart, smarty-pants comedian whose razor-sharp wit who will I'm sure exceed anything Whoopie Goldberg attempted, though he will never rise to the level of Billy Crystal and Jack Palance doing the one-armed pushups ( a classic, in my opinion).

The jokes: Will vary from the foibles of the Bush Admin. during Katrina, to the failures of the Bush admin. during Katrina. No jokes about the troops in Iraq, but there will be jokes about the failures of the Bush admin. in Iraq. A few jabs at Hillary, only because she WILL be Hollowwood's next president, even if the rest of the country votes for McCaine. And of course, jabs at gay movies, only because they are so hip and it's so like really, really, really cool now to be gay.


Men: Black tux (Metrosexual look preferred)

Ladies: The strangest, most sheer dress that a bisexual dress designer could make and not blush (they don't blush, by the way) that barely drapes the body so that when female star waves, a boob pops out and "shocks" the media. No worries, that's why the media and fans are there in the first place. And besides, "Entertainment Tonight" and others in the media "boob patrol" will make sure that billions of people who had happened to miss the gala event will see the female star in "all her glory."

The Acceptance Speech Formulas required: The PC police, who monitor all speeches given by Hollowwood stars and report "concerns" to Hollowwood producers and the SAG, have a formula for acceptance speeches in order to keep each of them under 32 minutes. It is as follows:

1. ALWAYS thank the Academy of Arts and Sciences...ALWAYS.

2. Thank the producer ____________ for the COURAGE and COMPASSION to push the envelope in a controversial issue that needs to be addressed here in America, especially the clueless heart-land, due to the blind stupidity of conservatives who have enslaved the free artistic spirit of all Americans of every race, creed, SEXUAL and even GENITAL PREFERENCE, who in like lemming-like fashion, follow the worst president in the history of mankind, George W. Bush, and his oppressive regime in the Whitehouse.

3. Thank all who worked on the "project" (don't you dare say mindless entertainment), especially __________ who selflessly pushed you beyond yourself to enter into pup tent and fake orgasms, to see life from the viewpoint of one who is disenfranchised, and to understand the plight of the (victims of Katrina, marginalized gays, lesbians, trans-sexuals, metrosexuals, uber-bisexuals, men who like boys, men who like horses, men who like sheep, men who like goats, etc) ... who daily suffer the inhumanity and discrimination flaunted so shamelessly from the oppressive Bush regime in the Whitehouse.

4. Thank Mom; Dad is optional (knock your Dad in public with a joke is even better).

5. Say hi to your live in lover (score huge points if it is a same sex partner)

6. Double check to make sure you did #1.

7. Dedicate your award (not the swag) to the (victims of Katrina, marginalized gays, lesbians, trans-sexuals, metro-sexuals, uber-bisexuals, men who like boys, men who like horses, men who like sheep, men who like goats, etc.) that don't have a voice in our culture, dominated by the oppressive Bush regime in the Whitehouse.

8. Political statement (please keep it under 500 words) on the order of hoping that the movie will open the eyes of Americans to the plight of (the victims of Katrina, gays, lesbians, trans-sexuals, metro-sexuals, uer-bisexuals, men who like boys, men who like horses, men who like sheep, men who like goats, etc) and allow COURAGE and COMPASSION to awaken a new and glorious America that has been lulled asleep by the ultra-right-wing mantras of the oppressive Bush regime in the Whitehouse.

9. Make your exit and wave (if female, watch out so that your boob doesn't pop out again.)

What to bring: A huge but "subtle" handbag (13 cubic feet capacity) to carry the swag.

Thank you for letting me rant, folks! Sometimes when I get in these funks from all the paragons of stupidity "enlightening" us in the media, it's good just to "let 'er rip!"


At 10:09 AM, Blogger Rick said...

SWAG for the Homeless

After watching the television shows gush over the swag being handed out at this Sunday's Oscars, it occurred to me what a marvelous way for Hollywood to celebrate Mardi Gras.

Why not donate and auction those bags off to help rebuild homes in the devastated city of New Orleans ? Donations to New Orleans Habitat for Humanity.

Just a thought. Not a funny one, but maybe the right one.

At 10:48 AM, Blogger Saur♥Kraut said...

Oh this is hysterical and so true!!!

I like your term: Hollowwood. Very, sadly, accurate.

I think you've got the formula down pat. Isn't anyone else out there bored with all this crap?

The dresses always are gasped about later on, but what's left to gasp about? It's come down to pasties and handkerchiefs. Heck, half the strippers out there are more modestly attired.

I wonder when they'll finally abandon all caution and start wearing clear vinyl?

At 4:29 PM, Anonymous Kathleen said...

UL this is a great post. I haven't laughed like this in a long time. You have it perfectly!!!!

Saur said . . . "I wonder when they'll finally abandon all caution and start wearing clear vinyl?"

I think they did that in the 70s. I think I remember seeing Babs ("People Who Need People") wearing a vinyl dress with strategic patches here and there.

Let's all remember, "love means never having to say you're sorry.";o)

At 12:19 AM, Blogger Underground Logician said...

Rick: GREAT IDEA!!!!!!
If they really cared, they'd donate their $55,000 worth of stuff to the poor. But you see, in Hollowwood, it's not the substance of the thing, it's the symbol. Dedicate the AWARD only. You put it in your glass trophy case at home and put a little sign below "Oscar:" To the victims of Katrina, gays, lesbians, metro-sexuals, uber-bisexuals, men who like boys, men who like horses, men who like sheep, men who like goats, etc.

Saur: The media also gasps at the "matron" look, where a lady actually covers herself. Call it the death-nell in glamour world.

I should have put in "mode of transportation": A super high efficient hybrid of human power and electricity, usually motored by a guy and a gal. The guy peddles the car and the gal teases her hair to collect static electricity. They'd have to start now, Friday evening to get there in time on Sunday!

At 12:21 AM, Blogger Underground Logician said...


Glad you were entertained! We need it at times, don't we?

The vinyl thing scares me. It reminds me of a Halloween costume where someone wraps themselves in Saran wrap and goes trick or treating as leftovers! :D


Post a Comment

<< Home