All This Came From a "Harmless" Little Pill?

WARNING: This post is a parody, which means you can take it with several pounds of salt!!! It contains some graphic language, but it is reasonable to use it given the nature of the topic of the Gay Marriage Movement. I frankly despise all euphemisms typically used in this debate that make the issue more benign than it really is. So sit back, buckle your seat belt...and grab your salt!

At Frankly Saurkraut, Saur published a post that had some disturbing statistics regarding gay marriage and divorce. Regarding this topic, I have only this to say:

The root of the WHOLE debate over gay and straight marriage can be linked to a tiny, seemingly insignificant idea, which I will reveal at the end of this article. It is an idea that is the very first domino in a line of thousands of dominoes. It's concerns the question: what is the purpose of marrital sex in the first place? Follow me in this elaborate reductio ad absurdum.

If marriage is considered by many to be the place for legal and moral sex and sex is simply a matter of achieving an orgasm (always for guys), then it follows that marriage is the place for legitimately moral orgasms, right?

Why do our legal and tax codes remain so antiquated? Do you see a problem? I do!

We all know that a person's sexual equipment works quite fine with or without a legal contract...sometimes it's thought to work better without! I of course disagree, but many are trying out the sex thing to see if the marriage thing will work. So why the special treatment for married couples? What is it about heterosexual sexual orgasms that make for tax breaks?

This pervasive view of sex in marriage works perfectly in favor of the homosexual agenda...these people want to justify their orgasms! What better way to legitamize same-gender cunnilingus, falacio, and anal intercourse than to afford these acts the same legal status as hetero acts of cunnilingus, felacio and vaginal intercourse? What better way to achieve positive feelings about a chosen inordinate sexual orientation than to elevate it to the status of marriage, the place for state-sponsored legal orgasms. (Angel singing and hallelujah chorus begins now...)

Think of it...no more condemnation from parents! No more state sanctioned persecution! No more wearing stupid rainbow shirts/jackets/evening dress combinations and separates to make a social statement! No more jokes from Jay Leno! AND...they get the same perks as those arrogant heteroes do!

But, what I think fuels the Gay Marriage movement is this...homos are jealous of heteroes! Now granted it is only an opinion, but please stay with me. (Keep saying to yourself, this is only a parody, this is only a parody...)

If sex is nothing more than achieving an orgasm, and NOT for procreation (unless one goes out of their way to go off the pill, or throw away Mr. Wiggly's balloon), then why berate homos for doing the sex thing with absolutely NO CHANCE of procreation? Don't these people deserve the same breaks as contracepting heteroes?

The legal system in this country is not fair unless you live in the Promised Lands of California and Massachusetts who finally see the "light." If legal orgasms allow heteroes a tax break, homo-erotica orgasms deserve tax breaks too, damn it! IF HETEROES GET TAX BREAKS FOR POTENTIALLY PREGNANCY FREE SEX, HOMOS AND THEIR EROTICA GUARANTEE THEIR SEX TO BE PREGNANCY-FREE!

In light of this train of thought, these folks deserve a tax break. Better yet, let's give them get free health care for the rest of their lives! Why, you ask? Well, look at all the suffering, the social guilt, being called "queer" and the needless effort of having to endure hours of anxiety planning a secret simple gay liason...all that for what? A measly 15 second orgasm? PAH!!

And, then there's the threat of AIDS!!! which some who are really smart think the virus was engineered by white heterosexual Catholics and introduced into the Gay populace. No doubt this is a project for a new book and movie...a task for self-proclaimed scientist, historian, author and all around super smart guy Dan Brown to see if secret agents of Opus Dei are using the virus to wipe out the GLTC to protect the Catholic Church's non-profit status! GRRRRRR!!! Can you say "REPARATION?"

AND THEN! (I'm not finished!) to make matters worse, these stupid...no good...lazy...ungrateful hetero schlups wanna keep the tax breaks only for themselves? ARE THEIR ORGASMS BETTER? MORE MORAL? MORE LEGAL? Do they realize how easy they have it compared to the epic struggle each Gay person experiences, just to have a simple orgasm? A hetero couple has no clue. They drag there bodies to bed, with no brain power, with no intrigue, risk of exposure or persecution, and definitely no risk of disease...ask the other, "Soooooooo, doooo ya wanna?" and then they just...they just DO IT!!! WITHOUT GUILT!!! WITH TAX INCENTIVES! ARG!!! Not fair...NOT FAIR!!!

And really, does it REALLY matter if the divorce rate among homos are higher? Shouldn't this be an even better reason to have legal Gay Marriage. Currently, if a same-gender sexual partner gets a better orgasm with a better skilled gay lover, THERE IS NO RECOMPENSE FOR THE INJURED PARTNER! With legal Gay Marriage, you have a better scenario. If Mr. & Mr. Jones divorce each other cuz Mr. Jones the husband is a slut, then Mr. Jones the wife has the legal capacity to sue for spousal support and MAINTAINANCE. AND, if these gay couples can adopt kids, there's child support available as well.

Now, I'm not usually into conspiracy theories, since they're so hard to prove. But if you ask me, (whispering) I think there are some (shhhh) LAWYERS (shhh!)...who are looking to make a LOT...of...money...with this movement. Just a thought...

So, where did this idea of legal sex come from? How is it that sex can be reduced to the achieving of orgasm without procreation? Could it be that the pill and the prophylactic were the catalysts of the idea of recreational sex? Did anyone foresee such a cultural nightmare? Uh-huh. And did anyone warn us of these terrible consequences? Uh...yup; we heard it from the Catholic Church, Pope Paul VI and Humanae Vitae in 1968.

The pill promotes the idea that you can choose your sexual activity, your partner, the timing of your sexual activity, the state in life when you have your sexual activity, not listen to mummy or daddy, and reject accepted cultural norms...all without consequences! The foundational thought is...(drum roll please)...Orgasmic pleasure is the ultimate good. Long live the orgasm...

Let the discussion begin!